another moral hangover. fuck.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
