i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it