she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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