zippers are such a cool invention
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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