Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
