That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
