I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
