And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
