Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
