I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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