Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It's like God shit irony all over that family
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
