You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
