my mouth tastes like poor choices
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
