I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
