ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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