I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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