you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
