I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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