I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
