If that was your dad, he is hot
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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