she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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