Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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