you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
