Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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