are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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