Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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