I smell stomach acid.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
