my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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