Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
