I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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