His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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