fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
