I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
