...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
