Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
