Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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