I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just invented taco cereal.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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