I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
