life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
