I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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