in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
