just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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