My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
