Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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