I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
