Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
