I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
