i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
