I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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