Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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