if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
