i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
40s are totally the cure
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
