Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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