Porn is love you can see.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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