I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
