It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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