Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
