She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
