if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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