She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
