I just cut my nipple shaving
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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