I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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