so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just threw up on my dentist
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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