I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
