I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
