Farmville is her only friend.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
