Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
